Wow. Where do I even begin? Ok, start with the obvious. I'm fat. I don't say that to demean myself, it's the truth. I can be all politically correct, but that's not me. I'm obese, heavy, large, thick, big boned x2, filled with lovin', food challenged and well insulated (yes, I've been called that before). I'm lazy and I eat crappy food. Are we clear now?
I was relatively thin growing up. I put on a few pounds in high school and college, but was never fat. Then I got married. On came some weight as I settled into a routine of working, going to college and ordering fast food. Then came Kaelyn. I put on 45lbs during that pregnancy. I lost some of it after she was born, but the unhealthy eating continued. Back then I was about 175 lbs and felt really huge. But my husband and I were both sweet eaters so there was always junk in the house and a nightly run to Baskin Robbins. A few years later came the divorce. The stress of that helped me lose weight without ever intending to. I dropped about 50lbs and felt wonderful in my new body. Clothes were easy to buy and in my newly single life, I kept the weight off. I swore never to get fat again.
Of course, eventually the weight came back. It started with a new job at an accounting firm. They had a kitchen stocked with soda, cookies, candy, licorice and all sorts of other junk. I was in heaven. I would grab a Coke and a bag of M&M's and sit at my desk. The combination of sitting for 8 hours at a computer and eating junk quickly increased my, um, girth. The clothes I bought when I started that job began to get snug. No problem, I'll just pop the button on my pants. Ok, I'll just buy the next size up. And eventually, the next size and the next... All that weight I lost came back and it brought some friends.
Six years ago I met Steve. We fell in love, got married and wanted to start a family. My goal was to lose at least 40lbs before I got pregnant. Who wants to be fat and then get pregnant??? Not me! Well, it happened anyway. Reese was a surprise and I packed on more pounds with her. Do you know how hard it is to find plus size maternity clothes?? Impossible!! She was born and I never really lost any weight. And on went some more weight.
I just turned 36 this month. I'm married, have 2 beautiful daughters and am going back to college. I am blessed with so many wonderful things in my life. But this weight is killing me. I hate it. I am so frustrated with myself for ever letting it get this bad. I'm frustrated that I can't lose it. Do you know how many times I've tried to lose the weight?? When Steve and I got engaged, I planned to lose the weight. I swore I would not be fat for my wedding. Well, I was. I hate our pictures because I look awful. Each year came the promise to lose weight for some reason; our trip to Florida, someone else's wedding, summer weather, another vacation... Each year I failed.
It would go something like this: We had a trip coming up to Florida (2007). This was planned about 8 months in advance. I knew I wanted to lose weight before going. I didn't want to squish into an airplane seat, carry the extra weight in the Florida heat, not want to put on a bathing suit to swim and so on. So with 8 months to go, I'd plan to diet. Day 1 and I didn't even bother eating good. After a few days of not even getting started, I reminded myself I still had 8 months. Then it was 5 months before the trip. Anxiety as I should start working on this weight loss but again, still 5 months to go. Suddenly it was 2 months before the trip. I would panic and try every diet. No carbs for me. Or a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and then a healthy dinner. Oh I know, I can just eat white rice...those people on Survivor lost a ton of weight by doing that. And finally it was down to a couple weeks before we left and I hadn't lost any weight. I was discouraged, angry at myself and resolved not to even bother beginning a diet at that point. I decided to enjoy our vacation and work on the weight loss when I got home. Now, imagine living that same cycle for every wedding I attended, every summer vacation I wanted to enjoy, every time I saw a cute outfit that doesn't come in my size.
It's beyond frustrating. I know what I need to do, so why can't I just do it? Steve has lost weight since his heart attack. We definitely eat a lot healthier at home. But it's me. I have a big ol' sweet tooth and no self control. I definitely feel an addiction to food. I can very easily sit down with a quart of ice cream and polish the whole thing off. I raid the kids Halloween buckets when they aren't looking. I sneak food. I can never have just 1 cookie. I eat in excess, beyond when I'm not even hungry anymore. Food tastes good! I wish it didn't. I envy those people who can just say "no thanks" to a serving of cake. Instead, I offer to take their slice too.
I hate myself in photos. I don't need the camera to add 10 lbs, I add them easily enough myself. Do you know how awful it is to try and find clothes? I wear these old baggy jeans because they are comfy. I know I look horrible in them. I wear oversized shirts to hide my belly fat, but let's face it, it's still obvious. I know wearing huge clothes makes me look bigger, but I prefer hiding in them. I'd love to shop at Kohls and NOT in the plus section. There are never cute clothes there! I about cry each time I need to shop. Plus sections have so little to choose from I know I'll settle for something that doesn't look good on me. I'll walk past tons of things I'd love to buy but I don't fit into. My friends joke about shopping at Target. I'd LOVE to buy something at Target!! Their plus section is like 2 racks of clothes. Awful! I don't want to buy that stuff. I want NORMAL CLOTHES.
Ok so the point of all this. I'm done being fat. I'm done buying fat clothes and being out of breath just walking around the block. I'm done being a bad example for my children. I don't want them to be in my shoes. EVER. I've gotten to the point where my weight interferes with the lifestyle I want. I am too fat to be comfortable in an amusement ride seat. I squish into seats at baseball games. Not that I enjoy flying, but even sitting in those seats are uncomfortable. I told Kaelyn I'd go ziplining with her in Alaska this August, but I'm dangerously close to exceeding their weight limit. I need to make some serious changes in my life! Every year I look back with regret at the changes I didn't make. Please, let this be the last year.
So I'm gonna blog this stuff. I'm gonna blog what I eat, when I exercise and when I fail at this stuff. I've been painfully honest above, so I'm hoping that will hold me accountable. I don't want people knowing how much I weigh, what size clothes I wear and all that. So I'm gonna post it. The only way to ease the embarrassment and disappointment is to CHANGE. Otherwise I'm gonna walk around with everyone knowing I weigh 233.6 lbs, wear a 2X in tops and a size 22 pants. Whoa, I said it. No taking it back now. Now you know. Now are the pictures. Don't look if you're squeamish.
What I need from you. I don't need to know you read this. I just need to put this out there and can imagine in my head you are reading it. I won't know for sure, but that's good enough. I DON'T need negative comments. Remember what mom said, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." I already feel bad enough so I don't need your help. I'm hoping this is a starting point for me. It helps if people know I'm trying to lose weight. I enjoy sharing when the pounds start to come off. But it's also very easy to put them back on and not bother mentioning that. Maybe this will keep me honest?
Here goes nothing...
I was relatively thin growing up. I put on a few pounds in high school and college, but was never fat. Then I got married. On came some weight as I settled into a routine of working, going to college and ordering fast food. Then came Kaelyn. I put on 45lbs during that pregnancy. I lost some of it after she was born, but the unhealthy eating continued. Back then I was about 175 lbs and felt really huge. But my husband and I were both sweet eaters so there was always junk in the house and a nightly run to Baskin Robbins. A few years later came the divorce. The stress of that helped me lose weight without ever intending to. I dropped about 50lbs and felt wonderful in my new body. Clothes were easy to buy and in my newly single life, I kept the weight off. I swore never to get fat again.
Of course, eventually the weight came back. It started with a new job at an accounting firm. They had a kitchen stocked with soda, cookies, candy, licorice and all sorts of other junk. I was in heaven. I would grab a Coke and a bag of M&M's and sit at my desk. The combination of sitting for 8 hours at a computer and eating junk quickly increased my, um, girth. The clothes I bought when I started that job began to get snug. No problem, I'll just pop the button on my pants. Ok, I'll just buy the next size up. And eventually, the next size and the next... All that weight I lost came back and it brought some friends.
Six years ago I met Steve. We fell in love, got married and wanted to start a family. My goal was to lose at least 40lbs before I got pregnant. Who wants to be fat and then get pregnant??? Not me! Well, it happened anyway. Reese was a surprise and I packed on more pounds with her. Do you know how hard it is to find plus size maternity clothes?? Impossible!! She was born and I never really lost any weight. And on went some more weight.
I just turned 36 this month. I'm married, have 2 beautiful daughters and am going back to college. I am blessed with so many wonderful things in my life. But this weight is killing me. I hate it. I am so frustrated with myself for ever letting it get this bad. I'm frustrated that I can't lose it. Do you know how many times I've tried to lose the weight?? When Steve and I got engaged, I planned to lose the weight. I swore I would not be fat for my wedding. Well, I was. I hate our pictures because I look awful. Each year came the promise to lose weight for some reason; our trip to Florida, someone else's wedding, summer weather, another vacation... Each year I failed.
It would go something like this: We had a trip coming up to Florida (2007). This was planned about 8 months in advance. I knew I wanted to lose weight before going. I didn't want to squish into an airplane seat, carry the extra weight in the Florida heat, not want to put on a bathing suit to swim and so on. So with 8 months to go, I'd plan to diet. Day 1 and I didn't even bother eating good. After a few days of not even getting started, I reminded myself I still had 8 months. Then it was 5 months before the trip. Anxiety as I should start working on this weight loss but again, still 5 months to go. Suddenly it was 2 months before the trip. I would panic and try every diet. No carbs for me. Or a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and then a healthy dinner. Oh I know, I can just eat white rice...those people on Survivor lost a ton of weight by doing that. And finally it was down to a couple weeks before we left and I hadn't lost any weight. I was discouraged, angry at myself and resolved not to even bother beginning a diet at that point. I decided to enjoy our vacation and work on the weight loss when I got home. Now, imagine living that same cycle for every wedding I attended, every summer vacation I wanted to enjoy, every time I saw a cute outfit that doesn't come in my size.
It's beyond frustrating. I know what I need to do, so why can't I just do it? Steve has lost weight since his heart attack. We definitely eat a lot healthier at home. But it's me. I have a big ol' sweet tooth and no self control. I definitely feel an addiction to food. I can very easily sit down with a quart of ice cream and polish the whole thing off. I raid the kids Halloween buckets when they aren't looking. I sneak food. I can never have just 1 cookie. I eat in excess, beyond when I'm not even hungry anymore. Food tastes good! I wish it didn't. I envy those people who can just say "no thanks" to a serving of cake. Instead, I offer to take their slice too.
I hate myself in photos. I don't need the camera to add 10 lbs, I add them easily enough myself. Do you know how awful it is to try and find clothes? I wear these old baggy jeans because they are comfy. I know I look horrible in them. I wear oversized shirts to hide my belly fat, but let's face it, it's still obvious. I know wearing huge clothes makes me look bigger, but I prefer hiding in them. I'd love to shop at Kohls and NOT in the plus section. There are never cute clothes there! I about cry each time I need to shop. Plus sections have so little to choose from I know I'll settle for something that doesn't look good on me. I'll walk past tons of things I'd love to buy but I don't fit into. My friends joke about shopping at Target. I'd LOVE to buy something at Target!! Their plus section is like 2 racks of clothes. Awful! I don't want to buy that stuff. I want NORMAL CLOTHES.
Ok so the point of all this. I'm done being fat. I'm done buying fat clothes and being out of breath just walking around the block. I'm done being a bad example for my children. I don't want them to be in my shoes. EVER. I've gotten to the point where my weight interferes with the lifestyle I want. I am too fat to be comfortable in an amusement ride seat. I squish into seats at baseball games. Not that I enjoy flying, but even sitting in those seats are uncomfortable. I told Kaelyn I'd go ziplining with her in Alaska this August, but I'm dangerously close to exceeding their weight limit. I need to make some serious changes in my life! Every year I look back with regret at the changes I didn't make. Please, let this be the last year.
So I'm gonna blog this stuff. I'm gonna blog what I eat, when I exercise and when I fail at this stuff. I've been painfully honest above, so I'm hoping that will hold me accountable. I don't want people knowing how much I weigh, what size clothes I wear and all that. So I'm gonna post it. The only way to ease the embarrassment and disappointment is to CHANGE. Otherwise I'm gonna walk around with everyone knowing I weigh 233.6 lbs, wear a 2X in tops and a size 22 pants. Whoa, I said it. No taking it back now. Now you know. Now are the pictures. Don't look if you're squeamish.
What I need from you. I don't need to know you read this. I just need to put this out there and can imagine in my head you are reading it. I won't know for sure, but that's good enough. I DON'T need negative comments. Remember what mom said, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." I already feel bad enough so I don't need your help. I'm hoping this is a starting point for me. It helps if people know I'm trying to lose weight. I enjoy sharing when the pounds start to come off. But it's also very easy to put them back on and not bother mentioning that. Maybe this will keep me honest?
Here goes nothing...
You are one brave lady! As I was reading this, I realized I was nodding to myself the whole time... I feel the same way and have the same pregnancy story... And I know exactly what you mean about the whole "never a good time to start a diet"... I have a whole HUGE cupboard filled with nutrasystem food and I refuse to open the door, so I don't feel bad... well the news is.. I feel bad anyways!
ReplyDeleteI admire you! Wishing you all the best!! And praying that you are a good influence on me!!
YOU ARE A FREAKIN ROCK STAR!!!! 15!! by JUNE 30th!!!! You can do it!!!!! :)
ReplyDelete